Orchestral movements in the dark
by Jade letters
Summary: Ciel Phantomhive has spent her entire life alone. When she becomes a Demon, she thinks that maybe, maybe she wouldn't have to be. When that idea is shattered, she decides to make a new life for herself. And what a life it is. I wanted to add Humor to the Genres, but there's this stupid two Genre limit! Fem!Ciel.
1. A life regreted and never lived

**Disclaimer: I don't have a job… therefore I don't work for Yen Press. So, it would be impossible for me to own Black butler, or Kuroshitsuji, however you want to call it. Me No Own Nothing!**

***This story will be AU, but will take place after the main story line. This story includes an always-female-Ciel and is partially inspired by DarkSecrets666. This will follow the events of the Anime, not the Manga, so Ciel was turned into a Demon by Hanna and is bound to Sebastian forever. Also, if you dislike stories where Ciel can handle himself, or herself as the case may be, or stories where Sebastian **_**isn't **_**a cold, unfeeling bastard, then leave now! This will include major amounts of awesomely B.A. Ciel, though he/she was the same as in the anime when he/she was human, and will be partially in Sebastian's POV.***

****Flames will be used to make my s'mores and will be much loved! Love ya all, haters! Also, reviews fuel my amazing writing plot bunny! Also, this first chapter will be completely Ciel's feelings on things and my introduction to the story. Don't expect much to happen! ****

**-_;p -o- q;_-**

Ceil sat sullenly on the window sill, looking out on the desolate landscape. She had heard that there where places in Hell that _weren't_ so depressing as this. But she had never been there. She also wondered if she ever would. As a new Demon, she was required to stay with or near her designated guardian. Who, for lack of any other choice as Hanna, her creator, was dead, was Sebastian. And Sebastian absolutely loathed her.

If that hadn't been proved by his attempt at killing her when he first realized she was a Demon, she was relatively sure it was proven without a doubt by the way he had been acting for the last twenty years. He had avoided seeing and touching her in any way as much as possible. He left basically all her care to the servants. Because, as Ciel was shocked to learn, Sebastian was basically the Demon equivalent of nobility. He even had almost exactly the same job as her. He was sort of like Satan's punisher. When a Demon made a serious offence, Sebastian was called to deal with it.

So, with her care and wellbeing left to shockingly incompetent Demon servants who reminded her more than a little bit of her previous human mansion staff, she was forced to learn to handle herself very quickly. She learned to dress and feed herself.

Demon clothing, much to her frustration, was very different than what she was used to. Gone were the extravagant dresses and complicated hats. No, Demons showed off in a very different way. By showing _**lots**_ of skin. Well, that was the female Demons at least. Male Demons just wore a lot of black clothing that usually consisted of tight shirts and loose pants. But no, female Demons were as revealing as possible without actually being naked. The highest ranks often wore dresses that looked four sizes too small and showed almost all to their backs and stomachs. If you wore anything even remotely modest, you were considered incredibly poor.

This irritated Ciel to no end, as she was still very human in many ways and objected to showing herself like that. Also, it was totally unheard of for someone to be turned into a Demon below the age of twenty because, once one becomes a Demon, you don't change. At all. As such, child sizes were basically non- existent. So Ciel, with a body of thirteen and incredibly small at a height of 4'5" and with a very petite form, had substantial trouble finding things that actually _fit _her and didn't hang off her obscenely. This led to a very long and arduous process of teaching herself to make her own clothing. The first few years were awful and consisted of her stealing the one maids clothing and trying to fit them to herself with very little success. Now, twenty years later and looking exactly the same, she had become incredibly proficient at it. She had adopted a very unusual style of tightly fitting shirts and pants with the occasional fitted jacket in varying shades of dark amethyst, Brilliant sapphire (to match her eyes) and black. She could, of course, just order Sebastian to do this all for her. But, after the first few years of him resisting most of her orders, as she found out he could do with a substantial amount of willpower, or carrying them out with a scowl plastered across his face and cutting glares at her throughout the entire ordeal, she gave up and decided to just learn how to do things for herself.

Of course there was the added factor that she was stuck in a body that was completely unfamiliar to her. She looked mostly the same. Maybe a bit more beautiful. Maybe a bit more graceful. But she had already been like a porcelain doll before her transformation into a Demon, so there wasn't much difference. But, besides her appearance, nothing that she could tell was the same. Demons were much faster and stronger than humans. This was compensated for by a much faster metabolism. However, Demons did not eat food like humans did. Demons ate souls. This she already knew. What she did not know, was that they didn't physically consume anything. They drew the life energy out of things. So, in a pinch, a Demon could feed off of a plant or an animal and be perfectly fine. But that was like eating the paper off of the candy instead of the candy itself. It not only tasted awful, but was not as nutritional as an actual human soul. Demons usually fed off of the souls of humans that were too bad for heaven. They were plentiful as very few humans were ever actually _**good**_ enough for heaven.

The appeal of eating a willingly given soul, however, was completely different. Not only did a soul given to the Demon to eat willingly by the human owner taste infinitely better, it also gave the Demon in question a boost of power. Each Demon was born with specific powers partial to the type of Demon they were, which was categorized by animals, thanks to the appearances of their demonic forms. Eating a willingly given soul jumpstarted those powers to higher levels. Sebastian, who was a crow Demon, had giant black feathered wings and large glowing red eyes in his Demonic form and specialized in illusion magic. Eating Ciel's soul would not only have boosted his status in the Demon world, it would have given him an immense boost of power.

But now Ciel was a Demon, so it was a moot point. Ciel had found a book in Sebastian's vast library detailing Demon forms, how to shift into them, and the abilities they provided. Much to her chagrin, Ciel had learned that she was a Butterfly Demon. This form was specific to female Demons, unlike most other types, who were gender neutral. Butterflies specialized in hypnosis. Much like the camouflage of **actual** butterflies, they could make any other being believe that they were something else, but their magic stretched as far as total sensory shut down. The major stuff, however required direct eye contact with the afflicted party. Ciel had spent a solid seven years learning how to use her abilities. Most of this was tested on the staff. It was a wonder they still even _**talked**_ to her.

Her Demonic form was a different story. She had mastered that on the third time attempting it. She had then looked in the mirror, and had subsequently avoided ever changing into it again. Her entire body was smaller, almost the size of a toddler. She also possessed large, gossamer wings that were mixed shades of sapphire and amethyst. Her skin was a light shade of powder blue and she possessed a faint luminescence. The only thing that even hinted at her demonic nature, were small, sharp little fangs and silted pupils in large amber eyes. She absolutely despised looking so small and innocent. It was lucky for her that no one ever actually walked around in their full demonic forms and mostly stayed in their human appearance. The only exception was formal parties, where it was considered incredibly offensive to _**not **_be in your Demonic form. This was fine with Ciel, as she had no intention of ever attending one of those parties. It wasn't like Sebastian would ever take her to one.

The only time she ever saw Sebastian was in the morning, when he still insisted on waking her, and at meals, which were really more of a formality and a habit than anything else. During both of these Sebastian never spoke a word, except that which was absolutely necessary. Ciel tried to be polite during these times, and her upbringing made her greatly successful in this endeavor.

Twenty years of being away from aristocratic society had eased her superior attitude. She was still proud and she doubted that would ever change, but she was no longer snotty towards Sebastian, or even the servants. In light of this, Sebastian had grown even colder towards her. She wasn't sure why this was, and wasn't particularly inclined to know. It hurt that he was so harsh to her though. In many ways Sebastian had been the only family she had for her last three years as a human. Also, she had fallen more than a little in love with him as a human. She hadn't tried to. No, in fact, she had done everything she could to avoid doing so. But it had just happened. She had fallen for his sarcastic attitude that he so well concealed. She had fallen for his charming smile, and his effortless completion of the tasks she set for him. She had fallen for his ruthless temper and his protective attitude towards her, though she knew it was only for her soul. Things she would have detested in anyone else.

When she had turned into a Demon, she fully expected her feeling to fizzle and die. For what Demon could love? But, as it turned out, Demons could love. In fact, Demons emotions were ten times as intense as a human's. Therefore, they were ten times as hard to get rid of. Even after twenty years or absolute hatred from him, she still found herself in love with him every time she tried to sort out her feelings. When she was human, it was easier to ignore. Now, it was impossible. She was fairly convinced that she had fallen in love with a face that Sebastian gave to the world when he was her Butler, though. So she wasn't so devastated about the fact that he hated her. Now all she had to do was find a man exactly like Sebastian who _**wasn't **_faking. She knew _that _was never going to happen.

She had contemplated killing herself for a while. It was obvious Sebastian hated her. It wasn't like she had a purpose any more. So why go on living? But the more she thought about it the more she realized that it was a flawed plan. One: she had absolutely no idea how to kill a Demon. Except for the sword that killed Claude, and as far as she knew that was at the bottom of a cavern in the human world. Two: She was Ciel Phantomhive! Her pride wouldn't allow her to leave the world in such a weak and cowardly way.

So she had shot that idea down. But Ciel was certain that if something didn't change _**now,**_ she was going to lose her mind.

Ciel then thought of leaving. Abandoning this place and never looking back. Saying _'Screw the contract!' _and finding somewhere else. For a while, she dismissed the idea immediately. She was still considered a newborn Demon at twenty and would be until she was fifty. Newborn Demons were never supposed to leave their guardians. It wasn't like Newborns were magically tied to their guardians. No, it was just that Newborns were considerably weaker than adult Demons, and there were a lot of Demons out there who would happily kidnap a young Demon for their own pleasure. And there was some small part of her that hoped that Sebastian would get used to her. That he would love her back. But now that part was weak. And she had given up irrational hopes of being loved. Ciel Phantomhive never intended to be some doting and unloved house wife. She was a Lady. She was the fear of the English Underworld! She wasn't going to spend the rest of her immortal life hoping that someone would love her.

With that decision made, it became harder and harder to stay here. She may have been in Hell, but there was more to it than this! There had to be! And when she started spending her days looking out on the deadened grounds and staring at the horizon, she decided that enough was enough. She started pulling at maps of Hell, memorizing where things were and how to get where from where. She also spent copious amounts of time training, honing her skills –physical and magical- until she was capable of things she never could have imagined. When that was done, she packed all her things in a bag, one that really wasn't very big, and started composing a note. This would have taken much longer had she been anyone else. But, as she was herself, it took her ten minutes to write a simple:

_I'm leaving._

_I'm sure you won't mind._

_I'm taking your sword. _

_If I'm not imprisoned in twenty years, I'll try to let you know._

_Sincerely,_

_**Ciel Phantomhive**_

Now, Ciel stood up from her perch on the Window. She looked around the room she had spent the last Twenty years calling her own. She felt like she should be at least a little sad. But, oddly, she wasn't. The only thing she would miss was Sebastian. And she wasn't really the type to pine over something she didn't have in the first place.

She walked over to her bed. Leaning down she pulled her bag out from under and slung it over her shoulder. It was very light. And with her Demon strength, it was like it wasn't even there. She then pried up a floor board and lifted one of Sebastian's Swords out. She doubted he would even notice it was gone. He had at least fifty of them and never used any of them.

She pushed the board back down and walked out the door, only stopping to throw her note onto Sebastian's bed when she passed his room. Ciel doubted that Sebastian would even notice she was gone immediately. He would probably send one of his servants to look for her at 'Dinner' and then realize she wasn't there. Or maybe today would be one of those days that he didn't come back at all, and he wouldn't know until even later. The thought didn't make her the least bit sad. It was a simple fact.

When she reached the door, having successfully avoided all of the staff, she stopped. She just stood in front of the door for a good long time. Ciel knew what she was doing was stupid, but she was internally preparing to officially leave then only place she actually _**knew**_ in Hell.

She took a deep breath and pulled open the door and stepped out into the welcoming warmth of the outside. When she had pulled the door closed behind her, she felt this resounding kind of _**snap**_ in herself. She likened it to a thread snapping after years of strain. She guessed it was her bond with Sebastian as her guardian. She knew nothing could break her contract with him except for the death of one of them or him consuming her soul.

And as she placed one dainty foot after another and walked out across the dry, cracked earth, she wondered if it ever _**would**_ be broken. She thought probably not. Both her and Sebastian were too stubborn to die.

-_;p -o- q;_-

**So how you like? I told you that there wouldn't be much action in this chapter. Mostly just info that will be necessary later on. The next chapter will be in Sebastian's POV and will basically the same, except there will be more narration of his thoughts after Ciel is turned Demon. And yes, Ciel will be totally B.A. in this story. It is coming. Just wait. I made her self-sufficient! The rest will come later!**

**Give me your reviews! I await them! Give me flames as well! I want my s'mores! Peace to ya'll!**

**~Jade out**


	2. A colder kind of affection

**Disclaimer: Sebastian says I don't own Kuroshitsuji. I'm gonna go with Sebastian because he is fluffing Awesome! I just kidnap the characters and make my wicked fantasies come true.**

***This chapter will be in Sebastian's POV. Yes, this story will be Ciel x Sebastian because I totally ship it! So expect some confusing feelings from Sebby. It is my firm belief that Demons can feel, they just are a little more selfish than most humans. Ciel is different because she was human first. Most Demons are born. Made ones are rare. Ciel is just awesome that way! ;D In my mind at least.***

**** BTW, my fem Ciel looks like Ciel when he dressed up as a girl for the Jack-the-Ripper case. He is absurdly pretty. If you don't know what that looks like, just look up 'fem Ciel' on google and you'll get it.****

*****Sorry to those of you who read this story and wanted more. It started this chapter, then got stuck and put it on low priority, in favor of things I **_**could **_**update. Then I just sort of… forget about it. Yeah… hehe. Well here it is! The second chapter in all its glory!*****

**-_;p -o- q;_-**

When Ciel became a Demon, Sebastian was furious. Mostly because he was bound to an insolent child for the rest of eternity. But there was a tiny part of him that was screaming that he was angry because Ciel wasn't going to be Ciel anymore. That part was getting bigger.

He knew that Demons were fundamentally different than humans. Demons were more self-centered, more ruthless, more bloodthirsty, and over all worse, than humans. They could experience positive emotions like happiness and love, but these emotions were usually brought about by awful things, like sucking the souls out of other living creatures. Sebastian could say the same thing for himself.

He could not, however, say so for Ciel. She had always been caring underneath the snobby façade that she used. The Young Mistress had always had to prove herself. But the idea of her becoming that way… It horrified him. Because, contrary to what Ciel believed, Demons _**could **_feel. And Sebastian had found himself falling in love with the little human that was Ciel Phantomhive. He had disliked it at first. He had wanted to stay coldly indifferent towards her. Why would he, a Demon, fall in love with her, a human who's soul he was eventually going to consume? It just didn't make sense. But he did. And when she became a Demon, he knew that the only thing he had ever loved, ever let himself love, had been fundamentally destroyed.

Yes, she stood there, in all her delicate beauty. Yes, she looked like Ceil Phantomhive, but what stood there was _**not**_ her. That wasn't Ciel! What stood there was a Demonling. Cruel and unforgiving and definitely _**not**_ Ciel. And the fact the she looked so like her… it tormented him.

That wasn't Ciel anymore. That wasn't Ciel, who had the intellect of one much older than herself. That wasn't Ciel, who smiled slyly when she knew she had won a game, and who pretended that she didn't care at all, but who actually cared so much she tried to stop. That wasn't Ciel who was a little _too _obsessed with sweets and who had an uncanny ability to know _**exactly**_ what someone was going to do next, even him.

It wasn't her anymore and he hated that. So when he realized what his Ciel had become on the boat that night, he tried to kill her. He wanted to destroy the thing that wasn't Ciel anymore. He wanted to erase it from the world.

He realized later, that if he had succeeded, he would have hated himself. He would have hated himself for killing the last thing that remained of Ciel. Because when he had fallen in love with her as a human, he had basically condemned himself to loving her for the rest of his eternal life. When a Demon fell in love, really fell in love and not into lust, they didn't fall out of it. It was incredibly rare for it to happen, for Demons guarded their hearts jealously, but when it did, it was absolute.

And if he had been responsible for killing what had once been Ciel, even if it wasn't her anymore, he didn't think he could have lived with himself.

He had been so surprised when he found himself allowing her to see _**him **_when he was acting as her Butler. Usually, he put up a barrier between him and the world. He didn't let anyone see what he was really thinking, or what he would say if he wasn't so guarded. But when he served Ciel, he was sarcastic and charming and he smiled. He hadn't been like this since he was a newborn. After the age of fifty, he had put up a mask to hide himself behind. Many Demons did this in the human world. If they were too open there, they may get too attached to it and not want to return to Hell. That was every Demons worst nightmare. But after just a few days, Ciel broke through that mask and he was acting like his normal self around her and everyone else.

But when she became a Demon, he slammed that mask back up, determined to never let it back down.

He had wanted nothing more than to leave the thing-that-was-Ciel with some other Demon as her guardian and go to mourn his love in solitude. But then he was assigned as her official guardian and now had no way to get rid of her. So he stayed as far as possible away from the Demonling. He left its care to his servants and threw himself into his work. He stayed out of his house and avoided even glancing at the Demonling. During the first few years, it still called on him for things. He was constantly twitching and distracted because he was focusing on resisting the call the contract gave him. And when he couldn't resist it, he couldn't stop himself from glancing at _**her**_ face and flinching every time he did. He always had a scowl plastered over his face because she was right _**there. **_But she really wasn't. After a while it just seemed to give up. He had once asked the servants if they dressed the Demonling, whom he still refused to call Ciel, they had told him that, no. They actually barely did anything. She even made her own clothing. The Demonling never wore the revealing clothing that was popular among the women of his kind. He was silently glad of that. He didn't think he would have been able to handle it if he saw _**her **_body walking around dressed like that. No, the Demonling adopted a style that he thought was very Ciel-esque, had she not been born in the era when everyone was obsessed with large frilly dresses. He supposed that some old habits would have been kept through the transformation.

He had proof of that. Because, every morning, he woke early and roused the Demonling. She was never anything but polite to him. And over the years she lost the snobby attitude that seemed to have been kept from Ciel.

This made it even worse for him, because it made the Demonling seem even more like Ciel, as it was as if Ciel had simply stopped trying to push everyone away. Well, that was how he would have liked to think Ciel would have been if that happened. He withdrew even more, trying to not even look at her, because, every time he did, there was an expression on her face that reminded him of Ciel.

After twenty years, he was about ready to pull his hair out. Even after all this time, he was still in love with Ciel. It hadn't faded even the slightest, not that he had ever expected it too, and showed no signs of starting. And every time he caught even a glimpse of the Demonling, he felt his heart clench in the most painful way that he hadn't even thought possible (especially since that was a human expression and Demon physiology was completely different). He longed to wrap his arms around her. He wanted to do things to her that he had never wanted to do to any other being, human or otherwise. It was driving him crazy.

Sometimes he wished that the Demonling would just vanish. Disappear from his life so he could mourn the woman it used to be, for Ciel had always been a woman, even though she was always so tiny. Others though, he thought that he would fall apart if it weren't for the Demonling. For it provided a reminder of the woman he loved and it made it at least a little less painful when he thought of the fact that she wasn't here.

Sebastian sighed and walked through his front door. Literally. He didn't have the energy to open it right now. He walked through the house, not even bothering to look for the Demonling, not wanting to torment himself with _**her**_ face right now. He ran a hand though his hair, wondering how much longer he was going to last like this. He suspected it wouldn't be much longer.

He pushed past a quivering maid, his lip almost curling with disgust at her terrified expression. Lower Demons. Sometimes, they just irritated him. He tried not to be too prejudiced about class standings and power rankings. He had to be fairly indifferent to that sort of thing, as a Punisher. He had seen firsthand how much damage they could do. But sometimes, he just hated the way most of them cowered away form a more powerful, high-class Demon like him. It was just pathetic.

He almost shoved the door to his room open and stormed in. He took a minute to carefully compose himself, trying very hard not to let his mask crack. He couldn't let that happen. After he was calmer, her looked wearily around his Bed chambers. The huge windows, the black curtains. And the large black bed. It wasn't like he _**needed**_ to sleep. No. It was more like a time for emotional recharge. A time to escape form the torment of his darker thoughts.

He walked slowly over and sat on his bed. His eyes, which he had closed, snapped open when he heard the crackling of paper below him. He stood and discovered a slip of paper where he had been sitting. Neatly folded and slightly crumbled. He picked it up, wondering what it could be.

His breath stopped for a moment when he saw the neat, flowing cursive that adorned the paper. He read quickly. And when he finished, he sat loosely on the bed again, the note clutched tightly in his hand. So the Demonling was gone. The thing that was Ciel had finally left. He couldn't say he was very surprised. No. He had been so cold and cruel to the Demonling, that it was inevitable that it had left. What surprised him was the turmoil taking place in his chest.

He should be happy. The Demonling that had taken his precious Ciel from him was gone. Probably going to be captured very shortly. If it hadn't already happened. He should be happy. But not only was he disgusted at the thought of Ciel's body being captured and used for what he knew it would be, but he felt something he had only felt once before. Albeit at a much smaller level than the first time. He had felt it when Ciel became a Demon. This loss and hopelessness. He should be happy. Right?

-_;p -o- q;_-

**That was Really REALLY hard for me to write. Not sure why… It just was. I find Ciel's POV much easier to write. He/She is just more understandable. To me at least. But I love Sebastian so much, I just couldn't ignore his POV in this story. I just needed to include his thoughts. So here this chapter is. Sorry again for the super slow update! Hope people still read this! **

**Sorry about the short chap. It's just really hard for me to write Sebastian's POV. The next chap will include a major time skip and the Ciel B. will finally start to happen. And I promise. She will be B.A. Sayonara! Peace!**

**~Jade out**


End file.
